10/17/19

Patience tested tonight.

“When did you get the tortillas?” you ask me.

“For burritos last week,” I answer, smiling.

You never ask for tortillas, but today you do.

You say, “What? You don’t eat tortillas.”

I say, “You’re weird today.”

I told you a few times today that you’re distant but this time you reply, “but not with you,” & you squeeze my hand a little tighter & I remind you that I can feel your emotions before you tell me. I remind you how I just guessed yours & you agree that I’m right but you still don’t relax because I think you may still not know yourself very well.

I am not upset with how distant you are because of this ex popping back up & taking so much from you & I am doing a REALLY GOOD JOB of being supportive & asking you challenging questions & reminding you that the past isn’t the present & that you don’t have to be the same as your were. You say again that you don’t want to talk about it.

I start a new conversation but you aren’t listening & you aren’t interacting with me & you are physically uncomfortable because you are emotionally uncomfortable & you are REALLY BAD at being uncomfortable. So we move & I ask you to take off your boots but you refuse until I beg you to lay down with me so I can be the little spoon because physical intimacy usually calms you down but you tuck your hands away from my chest in less natural places. I remember how you wouldn’t let me kiss your nipples earlier & I guess I’m just not the medicine you need today.

For twenty minutes that seem like an eternity I forget to breathe with you, even though I always do, & a few times tears well up in my eyes but I hold them back because I am thinking too many things that I can’t speak.

Like… maybe you’re the last thing I need to let go because you need to learn how to take care of yourself & right now it feels like I could never give enough to take care of you… that I cannot make you see your own agency… that your past relationships don’t dictate your present & your future unless you let them… that caring about someone else’s kids more than you care about yourself is another excuse to keep you away from your dreams & from yourself… that the love you have for someone does not give them the right to misuse your kindness & to manipulate you…

I think that maybe I’m just in this learning another attachment lesson- actually the same one again- & that I should quit dreaming with you because today you quit dreaming for yourself. It feels like you’ve abandoned yourself & I don’t like the shell that’s left.

Even though you didn’t have sex with her, you still laid with her, & cooked with her, & parented her children, & then you left because you didn’t want to leave your family.

Are we all just doomed to repeat the same fucked up patterns? I don’t think so, but I think it’s crazy hard to break the cycle.