Dream Journal 8/31/21

I dreamt of you last night. It’s been three weeks since we’ve spoken.

I had just done some shopping at some indescript box store where I was grabbing general supplies for vanlife. The scene before you appeared isn’t particularly clear, just a few panels of watching my feet walk along asphalt & then looking up to see Zoey parked alone at the far end of the lot. When you appeared behind me, the lighting brightened and my perspective changed. I had been floating along with my bag of goods, but when I heard you running up behind me, I dropped sharply into my body. My eyes focused tightly as I turned to see what the noise was, your arms at nineties as a white sneaker struck the ground. You jogged up to me. You were wearing that plain red t-shirt and black joggers. Your skin glowed against the red shirt and a look of distress faded from your face as I turned. You smiled big and hard at me and outstretched your hand towards me. I stopped dead in my tracks, startled at the sight of you approaching me. I wasn’t prepared for this interaction, and my body tensed as your image sunk in. Rigidly, I stepped back away from your reach.

You spoke to me, but I don’t remember the words. I remember looking up at you and missing your eyes, your mouth, your face, your eyebrows, the way your expression changed as you talked to me. I don’t remember hearing the words spoken, but somehow a message was transmitted. You wanted me back. In a way, you were begging me, but I remained unmoved. I turned away from you and walked towards the rear doors of Zoey, where I popped open the lock and put my bags while you continued to plead. You were talking, but I wasn’t hearing any words. I slammed shut the doors and turned to you quickly.

“It doesn’t matter,” I told you, abruptly interrupting. You face quit moving as you peered down at me. The smile fell from your mouth. “I doesn’t matter anymore.” I wanted to say so much more, but just like I feel in real life, I was tired of making my case over and over again. For the last six months, it didn’t matter how I explained my needs and my feelings, you disqualified them with your own, constantly asking me to make more space for you in my life, and not giving me much back. In my dream, I continued to repeat myself to you, as I walked away. “It doesn’t matter.” And then, right before the dream ended I said, “I do know you love me, but as long as you are with her, that’s it. I just doesn’t matter anymore.”

WRITTEN…. moments from a dead relationship: entry 1

10/17/19

Patience tested tonight.

“When did you get the tortillas?” you ask me.

“For burritos last week,” I answer, smiling.

You never ask for tortillas, but today you do.

You say, “What? You don’t eat tortillas.”

I say, “You’re weird today.”

I told you a few times today that you’re distant but this time you reply, “but not with you,” & you squeeze my hand a little tighter & I remind you that I can feel your emotions before you tell me. I remind you how I just guessed yours & you agree that I’m right but you still don’t relax because I think you may still not know yourself very well.

I am not upset with how distant you are because of this ex popping back up & taking so much from you & I am doing a REALLY GOOD JOB of being supportive & asking you challenging questions & reminding you that the past isn’t the present & that you don’t have to be the same as your were. You say again that you don’t want to talk about it.

I start a new conversation but you aren’t listening & you aren’t interacting with me & you are physically uncomfortable because you are emotionally uncomfortable & you are REALLY BAD at being uncomfortable. So we move & I ask you to take off your boots but you refuse until I beg you to lay down with me so I can be the little spoon because physical intimacy usually calms you down but you tuck your hands away from my chest in less natural places. I remember how you wouldn’t let me kiss your nipples earlier & I guess I’m just not the medicine you need today.

For twenty minutes that seem like an eternity I forget to breathe with you, even though I always do, & a few times tears well up in my eyes but I hold them back because I am thinking too many things that I can’t speak.

Like… maybe you’re the last thing I need to let go because you need to learn how to take care of yourself & right now it feels like I could never give enough to take care of you… that I cannot make you see your own agency… that your past relationships don’t dictate your present & your future unless you let them… that caring about someone else’s kids more than you care about yourself is another excuse to keep you away from your dreams & from yourself… that the love you have for someone does not give them the right to misuse your kindness & to manipulate you…

I think that maybe I’m just in this learning another attachment lesson- actually the same one again- & that I should quit dreaming with you because today you quit dreaming for yourself. It feels like you’ve abandoned yourself & I don’t like the shell that’s left.

Even though you didn’t have sex with her, you still laid with her, & cooked with her, & parented her children, & then you left because you didn’t want to leave your family.

Are we all just doomed to repeat the same fucked up patterns? I don’t think so, but I think it’s crazy hard to break the cycle.